My daily life

Trust, forever and sorry is TOTALLY GONE!!

October 31st, 2009 by jessicatangal

Today, is a day that I won’t forget. Firstly, I really can’t wait that today October 31st which is a Halloween night to come because The All American Rejects are coming to perform. And what I can’t wait is that I’m also gonna be jamming in the afternoon and this whole day is gonna be a blast. But, my bestfriend called me up. Telling me about a job offer that she has. Everything suddenly from happy and cheery turns to moody and dark.
Well, duh!! I should be like fucking happy for her, but what I am not happy is that, we were talking about this stupid issue for quite sometime already. We went to the interview together, and she ended up having the job but I don’t. And the worst thing is, she wants to be in that company. And the other sucky thing is, SHE FUCKING PROMISED ME back at 2007, February 3rd on that night when she is gonna fly off to Melbourne. I said this to her ‘Promise that you’ll come back and we’ll work together’ And she nodded and said ‘Promise’ And we break down to tears and cried. Oh come on, I am there, I was there and I witnest every fucking single thing. My ears don’t deceived me. She even remembered that damn promised she and me made. Now, we can’t find job and when she feels like she is drowned by this shitty job she’s having, that don’t offer her much, she only thinks about herself.
I mean, what is she so fucking afraid off? I mean, she has a freaking degree all the way from Melbourne, her drawing is great, she has a lot of potential, she knows more softwares than me, she can draw life drawing, figure drawing plus carricature. I mean, compare to me, what the fuck do I even have? I can’t even draw figure drawings perfectly, I can’t draw carricature and I definitely knows lesser softwares than her. And I only have a diploma. Obviously every other companies will definitely pick her. I’m like over shadowed by her. I am nothing when she is standing beside me but all this while, I thought that she will not leave me. But in the fucking end, today, October 31st at 2.05 p.m she called me up. I knew there was something up. Something not right. And yes, I was right. She told me she have the offer letter and she was planning to accept it and start working there in the middle of November. I was like, what the fuck. I mean, seriously. You dare to just leave me and let me rot in our working place? I mean, is that what she wants? Is that okay for her to leave me there? Is it okay for her that our friendship is going to just burn up like that just because of a freaking job that she so wanted in her whole entire fucking life? So what if she’s struggling in this work? So what if it is not an animation job? So what if it isn’t the pay that she expect? Everything. This are the questions that are running in her fucking mind. I can easily shoot it back to her. I earned like more than RM1500 the last job I have and now just cut the ‘0′ out of the RM1500 and what do you get? That’s like how much I’m earning right now. I do complain but the job isn’t that tension and all. I am happily working there. I do have pride but seriously, this job is not as bad as her fucking mind thinks. I know she wants to quit because she has face and the money. But she never think one thing. What will happen to this friendship? When I tell her the circumstances, she don’t think that it is gonna happen. She even can say this to me’ I won’t let this happen’ What she meant by that is, she won’t let my friendship and her friendship fall’
Seriously, after today, I learned a new thing. In this fucking world. There’s no one. Absolutely no one you could trust. Not even your boyfriend. The greatest guy or girl you have ever met also can’t trust. Parents or family also can’t trust. But that usually depends. My bestfriend, is the first person I ever put my whole heart into. I trusted her, I even believed in her. Follow every advice she gave me. But now, trust. The word trust is the third word I will not believed and won’t mean anything to me anymore. Thanks to her, she is the last bestfriend I’m ever gonna have. Because bestfriends, you have to trust in them to become one. So since trust is not there anymore, I don’t think I wanna have anymore bestfriends after her. All I can say to her now is that, ‘good luck in your freaking job. Hope your life is much more better there than being rotting with me in this current job we’re having. I’m so glad that I met you so that I know how is the feeling when you get betrayed by someone whom you so loved so much and never expect it.’
Well, I just came back from the concert and I’m so bushed up. Better get some sleep. Did I mentioned how emotional I got? Even when the concert was about to start, I was still moody in a way.No matter what, this situation will not settle until I get a job or get THE JOB itself.Well, it is already 3.00 a.m. Better run. So, people, remember. Don’t trust anyone. Well, that’s really up to you anyway. Bye and goodnight.

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Job job job!

October 25th, 2009 by jessicatangal

Hi guys. Now I’m currently working partime doing customer service. Need to find a real permanent one. Not really earning a lot now. But still can support me. I’m really dissapointed in this year. Not only me but I’ve been hearing bad things happening to my friends too. Some quited their job and their love life also had been screwed up. As for art feild in Malaysia, it is really pretty lame. I don’t know why Malaysians are like that. For animation or anything to do with art, Malaysia is always the lowest. Oh well, I’m actually enjoying the job I’m doing now, no stress, no worries but the only thing is that my boss is really a total *******!! He keeps on pestering me to work night and stay back and sometimes even just put me offday when I said I’m working on that particular day. He don’t even talk to me about it. Simply suka hati just wanna put people scehdule here and there. If he’s paying me like shit then I don’t care la wanna work how and such and such. But the thing is he is paying me so little. Cutting down my working hours is already cutting down my salary la. EEEeeeish. Kek sim ar!!! But what to do? I need to do what? Patient. Just like what I did in my previous company. Sad case man this world. Sigh, I just wish and hope and also pray that 2010 will be a better year like it is promised. I saw the reviews for the year of the tiger. It is quite promising but whether to believe it or not, it is up to me to decide next year. 2 more months and the year of the tiger will soon be here. FASTER LA! Cannot tahan already ar!!

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A forbidden loving feeling.

October 4th, 2009 by jessicatangal

Hi guys. Been a long long time I haven’t actually updated myself. There’s a lot of things been happening lately. Let’s quit talking about carreer but about love life instead. That’s whats this whole blog is for anyway. The title says it all.

I’ve been going out with my guys lately. Three of my lovely dudes. But what is wrong with me is, I tend to fall for guys easily. I wouldn’t wanna say who. I think they should know who. But sometimes, I just don’t get it. When you have a boyfriend, can you even actually fall for someone else? Unless your boyfriend not treating you perfectly or just not boyfriend material right? Or is it that the relationship has gone from exciting to boring?

Here I go again falling for someone I shouldn’t have. I did try to hold myself back. I did try to not to let him know which I did succeed. BUT, I couldn’t hide it anymore. It really hurts and the feeling of torture is there. It is like you know, the feeling when you really wanna tell someone you love that you love them so that they’ll know how to treat you properly. But the worst thing in my life, I’m afraid in relationship is that I don’t wanna hear what the other party wanna say when he rejects my love. I’ve been through so much of this.

I recently just express my love to someone I shouldn’t have fallen for. It is forbidden plus A SHOULD NOT thing to do. He did take it cooly but somehow, treating him as my closest friend is just very different. Do you know how hard it is for me to just as if everything is cool when actually it is not. I tried to play games, do some work, think about other things but I can’t stop thinking about that night when he said that I and him are just not meant to be. I did just wanna leave it alone. Each time I tell myself that everything is gonna be fine, I tend to have this stupid heaviness in my heart that I know I’m just lieing to myself plus to him that I am fine. Why? Why is this world so unfair? Why can’t we be with the person we love instead of being with someone we think that can support us? Which one is even important in the first place? Support or true love?I’m so confuse.

I sometimes just wish that he knows that I’m actually been holding all this behind him and I just wish that he knows I’m not okay. Whenever I’m alone with him, I really wanna grab him and just throw my hands all around him. But….sadly I can’t do that at all with him. Oh fucking shit…..I feel like crying now. Well, my friend told me to be strong. We can’t have everything we want. I know…But I just wanna let everyone knows that it is not easy to fight a feeling which is so strong and just put it aside and act as if everything will be normal later on. It will come back.

He did something dissapointing to me today. I thought that he is already started to change. But he said he didn’t meant to do that. But something is missing in that message. Where’s the ‘love you’ word? I don’t know is it just me that I’m worrying too much or is it true that he is slowly changing but he don’t wanna tell me the truth on what he is feeling? I already know that this will come one day. I’m ready for anything. But one thing I can’t garuntee is that I might not treat him the same way. If he hurts me much more and more I will be able to give up this relationship. It hurts a lot to write this out. But what else can I do? I love him so much but I just can’t be with him at all. Not even very close. As close to hugging and that’s the end. This whole world suck!! I WISH I WAS BORN. Go and listen to Collby Calliat-Falling for you. It is dedicated to him. Goodnight and bye.

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Why I can’t trust Lollypop(Afif)

June 4th, 2009 by jessicatangal

Why I can’t trust Lollypop(Afif)

Hey Guys. Hmmm, how long has it been since I last drop by this page? Well, work is really crazy these days and I seriously don’t even have time for myself.

I seriously do not understand humans. Like people say humans are the most dangerous creature on earth. Well, I do not want to believe it but at the end, yeah, it is true. Your own friend betray you just to save their ass in something is call cruel.

I have this so called pet brother name Afif. At the working place, people call him Lollypop. That is his nickname. I and him really loved each other like anything. SOmetimes even more then a brother and sister. I save his life by introducing to this company that we’re working at. He is seriously a very caring person that time. And I decided to work with him since we are also working at the same shopping complex and I can tell you, he would do anything for me in order to see me smile. But I’m not writing this blog to say the good things ’cause all the good things that I wanna say, is all in the past. The present and future, the Afif I know is totally gone. There’s no more the sweet, kind and gentle guy I once knew. Ain’t that sad? I can tell you seriously, it suck bad time.

I just received a message saying that he is going to get transfered to another project using the ‘Flash” software. Well, he is not even good at it. Just because he can’t stand a person in his so called team and project that he is working on, he wants to transfer to another project that he is not even bloody good AT!! I know that people can learn. Not to say he never did try out. He did and our relationship screwed up. He slapped me, cause he can’t take preasure and also he never spend time with me at all already because he could not keep up with it.

The other reason why he wants to be there because there’s another guy name ‘Ayon’ pull him into animation and keep on spoon feeding him till Afif succeeds and I can tell you that’s so wrong. How can you even spoon feed someone and make him to be smart when he is always clinging on to the same person. Sometimes I don’t feel the people in the company sees my ability or either you can call it passion in trying new things. It’s been 2 long years I’ve been trying so hard to get into that damn bloody position and I am not given even slight chance. Not even a single person is spoon feeding him. Like that bloody Afif who talks so big and get what he wants at the end.

I am really happy when Jennifer and Afif came up to work and yeah, finally all three of us are at the same floor but….that bloody guy just have to open his big damn mouth and show attitude ‘lam pah’ face to people..especially his leader, and get thrown and shift to another project and yeah, congrats to him, again he wanted what he wished for..and how did he do that? By opening his big mouth that’s how. I thought he is excited about working with me and all but now I know, he is not even proud of it. Just because of one guy, he wants to change? That’s what cowards will do. Run away from problems. I don’t think I did that whenever I’m having problems in that company. Like what Jennifer always say. Put your chin up and stay strong. Afif says that he wants to go to Blizzard, Pixar, Disney and all those? Then he need to have an attitude adjustment and try to settle problems instead of running away. NoW I know he don’t need me and that’s how I don’t trust him. And 2 years ago right until now, I really regreted asking him to work with him because it all end up as he is working for himself and getting what he wants but I’m getting trashed and not being appreciated. Fuck, I DO HAVE A DIPLOMA AND HE DOESN’T!! I tried so hard, and pay extra and gain knowledge by going through 3 years of hardship and when I work with him I get nothing. Lower salary and lower position!!! This sucks badly and I am so sure he wants to compete with Jen and me just by going to flash, not only to see Ayon but also wanna be better then me and Jen and that is to learn flash. The software he hate the most. Well, he can go die and kiss Ayon’s ass for all I care if he think that Ayon is his God. Cause he made it so clear to me just now that in work I’m nothing to him only after work I mean something to him. But he don’t know how I feel. From now onwards, he means pratically a total junk to me. Goodbye people! Thanks foir reading.

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Herman is back and I’m depressed!

April 13th, 2009 by jessicatangal

Hi guys. It’s been how many years? 3 years? Well, I got so depressed one wednesday night with Afif and Jen. I have no idea who to turn too. Not too mention that my bf Jimmy is not a very good problem or emotional solver.

I smsed Herman. And of coursed after I smsed him, I didn’t want a response or anything of that matter. I was so confident that Herman wouldn’t reply back just like he didn’t back then. I cried and cried when my boyfriend called up and asked me what was going on because he knew I was crying. I told him I smsed Herman which it was a stupid move because I knew he was already engaged with someone and I just smsed him. At that moment, I just want both of us to be normal friends. I even told my boyfriend that he will not reply me. He is just too busy with his stupid fiance. He don’t even love her. He loves me. That’s what he said.

After that, the next day at work, I was with Afif and Jen. I was still angry at both of them. But of course, Afif as usual, do not care pratically. He don’t even have the slightest idea why am I moody. He don’t even know am I even ANgry at him. Stupid ha?

Anyway, I told Jen because of both of them, I smsed Herman and Jen asked whether did he replied or not? I just said “Don’t know la. I dfon’t even know is it even the right number? I might be typing a stupid sms to a wall. He never even reply me lastime” The thing is, now I remember. There’s two numbers of Herman in my hp. The lastime when he didn’t answer was the number which he is not using anymore. And this one is the number he is still using.

He replied afer lunch. I was soooooooo shocked. But unfortunately, he isn’t the same as back then anymore. He is such a busy man, can’t see me often and all that shit. But the main point is, I want him back. I want him to change his religion for me. I want him to be my husband. I want him back!! And I don’t want any stupid law thing anymore. I just know that I want his oldself back. I love him. But why cAn’t I have him fully? Please GOD!!! He loves me too. You all know that. Why are these stupid laws and faith are so mean to us? Keeping us away? It’s damn bloddy hurting me!!!!!

All I know is, I love him and that’s final. I love him sooooooooooo much!

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March 28th, 2009 by jessicatangal

Hi guys. I took one week off from my workign place to chill out and think straight on is it actually the right job for me and all?
And now, I’m also beginning to think of another matter. FRIENDS!

Have any of you ever encountered friends that have been together with you for soooooooooo freaking long and then suddenly tell you that you’re boring and seldom goes out with you. Okay, so maybe you’re boring. Then you give them some time to break after that, they still don’t want to spend time with you. Giving excuses and makes yourself like you’re such a fool to even trust on what they are saying. But after that, you found out actually, they DO NOT WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU and sometimes when they are not free, or even when they;re sick and they tell you that they’re sick, it is sooooo hard to believe them because they lied to you before.

Well, I have two friends are like that and sadly, this two friends are a very good friend of mine. One is my bestfriend and the other is my so called PET bro.

This bestfriend of mine started to become really really sucky when she have her first boyfriend. She started having guts to fight back withme, really loves and I really mean it, she loves spending lesser time with me and always giving excuses that I can’t buy., Same goes with my pet brother. Sometimes I really wish that both of them should just go married each other, Even when four of us goes out, me, my bf, my pet bro and my bestfriend goes out, they all tend to talk so much in the cinema and talk so much to each other, I feel like WAT THE FUCK!? But sometimes when they are alone with me, they stabbed each other backs. I was like thinking, if they hate each other so much why they are still soooooooooooo close rather than me?

You know what? I’m getting sick and tired of their excuses already. I am soooooo done being so nice to them and treating as if they are something to me. I think I shouldn’T. I think I should justforget them a little until they realise I am not gonna call them or watsoever anymore. I’m getting sick with the atmosphere already with them. It’s ugly and BORING! I hate them soooooooooo much. No more suffering. I don’t even need it from them when I’m already so fucking sad with my working place. I don’t need extra. FUCK MAN THIS PEOPLE!!

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Sucky life and can’t believe even bestfriends can change until so bad.

February 8th, 2009 by jessicatangal

Hey people…For some reason, I just wanna tell you people, that I give up on trusting anyone right now..Even bestfriends.It is like there’s no point to it. I feel like right now, she is not even getting that I’m sad. Even if she get’s it, she only gets it and tell me not to feel it this way.

I and her have been bestfriends for 4 years. And me and her never had into very big arguments.I and her, well, I thought she will be different comparing to my other ex bestfriends. She is like, she is different, no doubt about that. But, there’s another that she is exactly the same. When she has a boyfriend, she gives her all to her boyfriend. Now, instead of coming to see me everyday. she only comes and see me like 2 times or 3 times a week. That sucks like shit. I mean, she told me she wasn’t boyfriend crazy, but all I see is, she is.

Her movements, her actions are all boyfriend crazy. Like I said, she is the same when it comes to that sense. She never say something like, ‘it is not the matter of fact on how much I spend time with you, but it is a maater of are you in my heart or not?’ How come she have neverr say that before? That is because she found someone else that is fucking occupiying her time and she has no time for me. So that is why she said that.

It is not my fault that I want her to be the same as before. That is what made me to be her bestfriend. But if she were to change so much, how? Like I said, bestfriends to me are important. We always share moments, and time and secrets together. We actually share EVERY SINGLE BLOODY THING! But now, I don’t do that anymore, I don’t even know that is she even coming to see me, I don’t know where did she go and all that stuff. I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING!! And you guys wanna know what do I call that? SUCKS! At the first point, why did I made her to be my bestfriend? Because she is so caring, and kind. She llok after me, we share every secrets, when I need her she is there. But now, all of those toppled over and she is doing things differently. So how am I suppose to accept all of that, and put into my life? I can’t. I don’t like this bestfriend. If I were to put that into my life, might else well, I go find one brand new bestfriend. At the first place, I don’t like this type of bestfriend, so that is why I didn’t have. But now she is acting like this.

Sometimes, I wish she just knew her mistakes. And sometimes I wish one day, something really bad happened to her relationship and then she can really see what was I trying to say before. I do have a boyfriend of my own, the thing is when she was single, I didn’t really put so much effort on my relationship. I rather spend time with her. Cause I felt much more fun. But then when she has a boyfriend, she is not treating me fairly and always with her stupid boyfriend. I am really pissed off. I have to say this out. I can’t forever show fake smiles at her and fake actions that I’m actually okay. The thing here is, I’M NOT OKAY!!!

I feel lonely now. I feel like no one can actually hear me out. Not her. She was the only one that I used to call whenever I have problems and she will be the last person whom will cause me problems. But now, looks like she is the first person causing me pain, torture, depression and sadness. Yesterday when I went out with her, her bf and my friend, no doubt we were together for a whole day, but I didn’t felt close like we used to be. She said that her boyfriend saw that we were very close. But I really want to push this question back to her. ‘YEAH,her boyfriend can see that we were close lastnight. But do he see more? Yesterday was only a little. He should have seen more especially when we are on trips and everyday going out together and the way how much we stand up together’ Her boyfriend don’t know nuts about out relationship and he is taking me away from her. He si being so selfish in a way. So what if he is going back to UK? It is not like he is going to be there for a year or whatsoever. GEEESSSZZZZ!! If she can’t even stand that, then what about this not being boyfriend crazy? That is more than crazy.We almost break up last wednesday and patch things up on Thursday but I got a bad feeling. I think one day, no doubt about it, this second chance relationship thing won’t last. I got a feeling and this time, it is a strong one.

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January 27th, 2009 by jessicatangal

Sometimes in life. And promises. Things are really meant to be broken huh?
My bestfriend promised me that she will never change once she found her true love or should I say boyfriend. We mader a promise together. Lastime I have this bestfriend of mine and she’s so boyfriend type. Everything is boyfriend here and boyfriend there. When she have a boyfriend, she can’t leave without him for a day.

I feel so disspointed in a way which is, first, I don’t like top see mushy stuff in front of my eyes when I have no boyfriend beside me. If I have a boyfriend beside me, I don’t care if you want to be mushy. It is kinda rude to act so lovey dovey in front of a person whom is heartbroken plus his/her boyfriend/girlfriend is not there. I and her ended up in a very terrible situation after that. She went overboard. That was a long time ago. And when I was working, recently, I do have a bestfriend also. And this is even worst. Everyday, she must be with the boyfriend, and she can’t leave her boyfriend even for one second.

I thought I could find one bestfriend who won’t be so crazy over guys not even her own boyfriend. I thought I did. Like I said up there, we did made a promise. ANd she did show me a lot of ways that she’s not interested in guys as much as I am. But little do I know is that, she’s jsut the same as other girls when it comes to being with the boyfriend.

I always asked her to go find her own boyfriend because I don’t want to see her alone. As in, I can’t forever take care of her. If I’m not around, I need her boyfriend to company her. But I didn’t mean that if she do have a boyfriend, she will lessen seeing me. Now she is showing me one kind of strange way. Her so called lover is back here and she is treating me differently. Not yet but I can see that she is starting to change.

I just fought with her this evening and she told me she teared a bit. Well, I don’t know whether is that true or not. I feel guilty in a way but at the same time she shouldn’t have treated me like that. She went and send a message to my boyfriend and tell him that her lover is back this week and asked him to treat me better. As if she can’t take care of me just because of her stupid lover is here. I have no idea what’s that message meant but when I was arguing with her on the phone she has no idea why she send that message either so that’s why I’m pissed off.

Anyway, I kind of missed her. So many days living here without her is just boring. But still I don’t wanna know how will she act once she comes back here because her lover is here. Sigh. I’m just so pissed off plus jealous. I known her for like 3 years or more than that and some guy who only knows her lesser years than me gets her loyalty like shit. Aaahhh, fuck it la!!!

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Chinese New Year! :(

January 22nd, 2009 by jessicatangal

Hey guys. Yay! Chinese New Year. Is Gong Xi Fa Cai to everyone. But you wanna know something? I’m not really happy. Every Chinese New Year is just the same old thing. Celebrating reunion dinner with my aunties and uncles. But this year and last year was just aunty and uncle. And what I hate is, that they keep on complaining about the food.

I mean, shut the fuck up and just coem for the reunion. If you wanna complain so much, then why not have the reunion in your house and see how weel you can prepare.

I don’t usually go anywhere for Chinese New Year. Just stay in the house until one or two days is over. I wish this year is gonna be different. I wish this year will be not so boring and everything is fine. Well, something is wrong with my health. Not too sure. Hope I will be better soon. Anyway, gotta type off now. See ya and love you guys. Muacks! Adios!